The PUBLISHER is sitting behind his desk, reading a manuscript while reclined in his chair. He picks up a cup of coffee and takes a small sip before he hears his secretary on the intercom.
SECRETARY
Excuse me, sir, but Jonah Goldberg is on the line.
PUBLISHER
By all means, put him through.
SECRETARY
Right away, sir.
The Publisher picks up the phone.
PUBLISHER
Jonah, my man! How are things.
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Never better, my friend.
PUBLISHER
That is good news. It has been ages since you've been by to see Gracie and the kids.
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
I know. I'll try better.
PUBLISHER
I'm just giving you a hard time. So, why are you calling?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, I'm writing a book and I'd like you to publish it.
PUBLISHER
A book? Splendid. I would love to publish it. What is it about?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, it's called Liberal Fascism, and it's about how liberals are really fascists - well, not really fascists, but they sort of act like them in some ways, or at least they sorta look like they act like them in some ways. It's going to be revolutionary.
PUBLISHER
(laughs for thirty seconds, with a deep, booming resonance) Dear Lord, that is outstanding. It sounds like it will be hilarious! Do you have a chapter on why Sean Penn is a fascist?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Two, actually.
PUBLISHER
Fabulous stuff. Yes, we'll put that under our humor imprint. I say, Jonah, there are simply too few funny conservatives these days. It will be terriffic!
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Um, I think you misunderstand.
PUBLISHER
How so?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
It's not a comedy book, it's a serious intellectual argument.
PUBLISHER
I don't understand.
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
I actually believe that liberals are fascists. Well, maybe not Nazis, and not necessarily like any fascist regime in history, or even any imagined one, but there some things that fascists do that liberals also do, and I think I need to call attention to that.
PUBLISHER
So you actually think...I thought...wait, when we were having Cucumber Sandwiches at the Harvard Club last week, you said that people calling other people fascists without cause was one of your greatest pet peeves. Why, then...
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, I just thought that some of the things that liberals do are kinda like what fascists do--you know, like going to Whole Foods.
PUBLISHER
That doesn't make any sense.
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, I can always change the subtitle.
PUBLISHER
But what's your argument? Do you claim that liberals want to seize power, end democracy, and start a bunch of wars? Who would want to do such a thing?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, not that they want to do that per se, well maybe they want to. Sure they want to, but they aren't going to...they don't want anyone to be great, they just want everyone to be special and to have self-esteem, like a kintergarten classroom.
PUBLISHER
That doesn't make any sense.
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
But you'll publish it?
PUBLISHER
Eh.
[This was a fictionalized account of what might have transpired between Jonah Goldberg and his publisher when he first sold his new book, Liberal Fascism. Here is the factual version.]
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, I'm writing a book and I'd like you to publish it.
PUBLISHER
A book? Splendid. I would love to publish it. What is it about?
JONAH GOLDBERG [o.s.]
Well, it's called Liberal Fascism, and it's about how liberals are really fascists - well, not really fascists, but they sort of act like them in some ways, or at least they sorta look like they act like them in some ways. It's going to be revolutionary.
PUBLISHER
Sold.
